


What once was and what might be

by fleursowl



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Angst and Fluff and Smut, Angst with a Happy Ending, Azkaban Remus, Bottom Sirius Black, Everyone Is Gay, F/F, F/M, Heavy Angst, M/M, POV Remus Lupin, POV Sirius Black, Peter is a Little Shit, Prisoner of Azkaban AU, Professor Sirius, Sad Sirius Black, Sirius Black Raises Harry Potter, Sirius is a professor, Top Remus Lupin, sirius missed remus
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-08-28
Updated: 2020-06-12
Packaged: 2020-09-28 13:07:41
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 6,692
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20426477
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fleursowl/pseuds/fleursowl
Summary: What would've happened if it had been Remus Lupin framed for the deaths of Lily and James, instead of Sirius? Sirius is left to raise young Harry and eventually joins Hogwarts as the DADA professor, but is haunted by memories wherever he goes. When Remus and Sirius meet for the first time in twelve years in the Shrieking Shack, the world as Sirius knows it is flipped upside down. Sirius quits before the end of Harry's third year to sort his life out, and now has to also face living with Remus again. Will it all go right, or all go wrong?





	1. Mid-life crises

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first fic on here and I haven't written in quite a while so sorry if there are any mistakes! I'm still trying to work out how to navigate AO3, so I may make a few mistakes with that as well! Love you guys <3

Sirius Black was having a mid-life crisis.  
Well, that might be a bit dramatic. He was only in his thirties, but, as he kept being rudely reminded, you could never really be sure when your mid-life was going to be.  
In fact, this was a recurring thought for Sirius. He mulled over the possibilities of this as he swung his legs over his bed early in the morning, wondering what particular crises he had experienced in his life would end up being those that happened to be in the middle of his life. A stinging thought at the back of his mind kept whispering bitter additions to these thoughts, which led it to less casual mulling, and more sickening remembrance.  
Going by that logic, surely James’ mid-life crisis was when he dyed his hair ginger in third year so Lily would notice him? The voice in his head sneered, and Sirius flinched. It simply would not do to dwell on these types of thoughts today, or any other day. 

Becoming a Hogwarts professor was a career path he never had imagined taking, but after being named the official guardian of his best mate’s orphaned child, he had decided that being an Auror was simply too dangerous and unstable if he was going to be there to support and take care of Harry. But he wanted to do something, he wanted to help, and although it may have seemed a shock to everyone else when Sirius was announced the new Defence Against the Dark Arts teacher after two disastrous years of flitting between jobs for Sirius, and a small crisis when it came to DADA professors, it was really not that surprising, if you thought about it properly. 

At first, Harry had been thrilled to have Sirius, who he idolised with all his heart and soul, at Hogwarts with him, but he had since calmed down slightly, and did not latch himself onto Sirius every time he saw him in the corridors. 

Returning to Hogwarts was an ever-painful process for Sirius. Everywhere he turned, he was reminded painfully of his best friend, his brother, who had been so cruelly snatched from him far too soon. And not only was he reminded by the endless laughter, smiles, jokes and pranks at every corner of the vast castle, he was also reminded of things equally as painful.

The first day he arrived, Sirius had had a panic attack in the safety of McGonagall's classroom, the memories like a slap in the face and a hand around his neck, choking and mocking him.

Sirius had still not braved the Astronomy Tower, as the memories of him and his both lover and best friend were simply too strong and devastating. Hell, Sirius could barely walk down the corridors without feeling the ghost of Remus’ hand in his. There was a firm list in his head of places he simplywouldnotgo, consisting of nearly half the castle’s secret passages and hideaways. Crying himself to sleep had become a regular occurrence for the first time in many years, as although he thought his heart had hardened after the years of devastating solitude, but the revisit to Hogwarts dragged up the old wounds, digging their sharp claws into his heart and head and lungs, and making them bleed anew.  
However, multiple therapy sessions with Pomfrey and cups of tea in McGonagall's office had left him feeling a little better, and teaching brought him a joy he had never expected. 

Although teaching Harry’s class could be awkward at worst, he delighted in teaching the arrogant Slytherins a lesson, but also was surprised that the rest of the house, minus Malfoy’s group, were actually not as bad as expected, and even found himself warming to multiple members, mainly the quiet, smart ones. He also took a shine to Hermione, Fred and George, although watching the two pranksters was at best bittersweet, and at worst heart-wrenching. They reminded him so much of himself and James, as did Harry and Ron, in some ways. But it was Hermione who really surprised him.  
She really was the brightest witch of her age, as she confronted him after just the first lesson.

“I saw you flinch in lessons today when I called you Professor Black. Why?” she asked, ever curious and stubborn to find out whatever she wished to know.  
Sirius tilted his head to the side, giving her a small, if surprised, smile.  
“Well, that is... a delicate subject,” he admitted.  
“I can be delicate.” Hermione sniffed, crossing her arms over her chest firmly.  
Sirius laughed, shaking his head, and pulled out the chair for her.  
“You may wish to sit down.” he smiled slightly sadly, and explained to her all the negative connotations of the surname Black to him, and although he did not go into detail about his family, he gave a brief enough overview for Hermione to understand. Sirius found himself spilling everything to the young girl, how he had assumed the Potter name in his fifth year after he ran away from home, and then legally changed his last name to Lupin when he and Remus had taken part in their unofficial ceremony- unofficial due to the fact it was still illegal to marry someone of the same gender. And how, with a heavy heart, Sirius had had to change his name back once Remus was sent to Azkaban for the deaths of his two best friends. Re-assuming the Potter name was simply too painful, so he had reverted back to Black.  
That didn’t mean he was happy about it, though. 

Hermione had sat there, open-mouthed, as Sirius told her his story, of how Remus had betrayed the Potters to Voldemort, and then also killed Peter in a fit of wolf-induced rage.  
After telling her everything, Sirius was yet again shocked when Hermione got out of her chair and flung her arms around his neck. 

All in all, returning to Hogwarts was better, and worse, than Sirius had expected.


	2. Rumour has it (or Sirius Black needs a break part 2)

Chapter 2- Rumour has it (or Sirius Black needs a break part 1)  
Sirius had convinced himself multiple times, since hearing of Remus’ escape from Azkaban in July, that Hogwarts was the safest place on earth. That was what everyone agreed on, wasn’t it? That was just common knowledge.   
But after Harry’s two previous incidents in his first and second year, Sirius wasn’t so sure anymore.   
‘Remember what Pomfrey told you. Just focus on your breathing. In, and out. Ten deep breaths. Now unclench your fists, straighten your back, and stop hunching your shoulders. Everything will be fine. Merlin, how many Halloween feasts did you go to here without something happening? Hogwarts is the safest place on earth. So just breathe.’ Sirius told himself sternly, trying desperately hard to push all thoughts from his mind that it was the anniversary of James’, Pete and Lily’s deaths, and Remus’ betrayal. That he could deal with, long after the feast had ended and Harry had left Sirius’ room; that could only be thought about in the darkness of his bed and the pitiful comfort of his pillows to sob into.   
Shaking his head, Sirius tried to get rid of the ever-pressing thoughts clouding his brain and dressed for the feast. He paused for a moment, wondering if he would have to wear traditional dress robes, and then deciding that, whether had to or not, he simply wouldn’t. 

The feast dragged by, with Sirius a constant bundle of nerves. Dumbledore knew that Harry would be the first thing Remus would come to, and yet he still hadn’t put him under any extra protection. It made Sirius’ blood boil.

Eventually it was over, and Sirius was just approaching Harry outside of the portrait hole to see if he wanted some company for what was bound to be a difficult night, when he saw what seemed to be the entire body of the Gryffindor students crowded around the Fat Lady, who was wailing.   
“Mind out of the way!” Sirius announced, striding through the large crowd. He struggled to conceal a gasp when he caught sight of her, with slashes all over her painting. She was still screaming, and attempting to escape the painting, but Percy Weasley was preventing her escape.  
“What’s going on?” Sirius asked commandingly, trying to hide the tremble in his voice.   
“It’s Lupin- Remus Lupin!” she shrieked. Sirius’ heart stopped, and then promptly plummeted.   
“Is anyone hurt? Missing?” he demanded, spinning around on his heel and desperately scanning the crowd for Harry, Ron or Hermione. He relaxed slightly when he saw their scared faces somewhere in the middle of the crowd, and turned back around to the Fat Lady.  
“What did he do? Where did he go?” he demanded.  
“He wanted to be let in- he was rambling about something involving a rat, and-“ the Fat Lady broke off into sobs, and Percy whispered comforting words to her.  
“And?” Sirius prompted, more gently this time.”  
“And Harry- Harry Potter.”   
Sirius froze.  
“Where did he go.” he hissed, reaching into his pocket for his wand and looking around frantically, as if Remus was going to be standing in the rabble of students filling the corridor.  
“Once he came back out- hadn’t found what he was looking for, obviously- he turned and bottled down the corridor.”   
Sirius’ head whipped round to where he heard approaching footsteps, and seeing the stern face of Minerva, started bouncing from foot to foot. Minnie gave him a small nod, and he turned and bolted through the crowd, and down the hallway, satisfied that Harry was still in safe hands. He was just turning the corner of a corridor on the fourth floor by Dumbledore’s office, wand out, when suddenly he was being pulled by the neck of his robes into a dark passageway.  
“What in Merlin- geroffme!” he exclaimed in surprise, a hand flying to his mouth. He raised his fists and swung a punch at his unknown attacker, but without his wand he couldn’t get free, and his hands were quickly pinned to the wall behind him.   
“Lumos.” the voice whispered, grabbing his wand.  
Sirius’s blood froze.   
He knew that voice.  
He slowly looked up to the scarred, bloody face of Remus Lupin.

-

Best friend. Lover. Brother. Ally.   
Enemy. Traitor. 

“You.” Sirius breathed his eyes turning murderous as he fought against Remus’ grip on his wrists, straining to get his hands around the traitor’s neck.  
“Sirius.” Remus whispered urgently, tightening his grip against Sirius’ wrists. “Sirius, please, calm down, listen to me-“  
Sirius gave a cold laugh, one that chilled Remus’ blood. That wasn’t the same laugh he knew and had once loved. This one was cruel, and full of pain.   
“You betrayed us. You betrayed me.” Sirius spat.   
“Would you even have been upset if they’d got me, too?” He asked, jutting his chin up so he was intruding in Remus’ personal space. “Did you just stop loving me?” he whispered, blinking slowly.   
Remus’ breath hitched, and he released his grip on one of Sirius’ wrists to gently stroke the side of Sirius’ face. “Of course not, Sirius, just let me explain, I-“   
Sirius took advantage his free hand and lunged at Remus, pressing him into the wall by his throat, a fierce look in his eyes.   
“Oh, you’d better explain. Don’t think I’ll hesitate to take you to Dumbledore.” he hissed, holding Remus there for a lingering moment, and rhen releasing his grip.   
“Follow me.” he said shortly, throwing the Invisibilty Cloak at him, and turning sharply on his heel. Remus hurriedly threw the cloak over himself, following Sirius through deserted corridors to what he assumed was Sirius’ room. As soon as Sirius has shut the door and Remus had taken off his cloak, a wand was being pointed at his throat, and eyes shooting daggers at him.  
“Explain.” he growled, trying to calm his shaking hand.  
“It wasn’t me.” Remus said simply, looking like he was going to reach towards Sirius, and then thought better of it.   
“Near the end- I mean, for a few months before James and Lily’s-“ he broke off, his voice choking up.  
“Their deaths. That you caused.” Sirius finished coldly.   
“For a few months before that halloween, I’d been doing some undercover work for Dumbedore. I lived with Greyback and his pack for a month, trying to find out their secrets.” He explained slowly, trying to gauge Sirius’ reaction.   
“Dumbledore- he did what?” Sirius cried incredulously. “Does he know that Greyback is the one who turned you? How- how dangerous?!” Sirius looked at Remus fearfully, and he seemed to remember again the events of the month leading up to the fateful halloween night.   
“So that’s where you were when you didn’t come near me for a month.” He said accusationally, and Remus winced.  
“Well- I couldn’t say anything, it was a top secret mission-“   
“You suspected me to be a traitor because of my family.” Sirius supplied flatly. Remus winced.   
“I have to admit I did consider it, yes. But you suspected me too, even before halloween.” he countered.  
“You disappeared for a month!” Sirius exclaimed, throwing his hands in the air.  
“So, I went to live with them for a month. And James didn’t know what to do about his Secret Keeper. You were the obvious choice, too obvious, so he gave it to me. We all knew that.”   
Sirius nodded slowly, narrowing his eyes in suspicion.   
“But then one night James and Lily disappeared to go and see Dumbledore, and they evidently discussed that I wasn’t trustworthy enough to be the Secret Keeper. Even though Dumbledore, ofc course knew where I was that month.” Remus said flatly, his hands curling into fists. “And the Secret Keeper was passed onto the only one of us left.”  
“Peter.” Sirius breathed, his eyes widening. “That- that explains it! I kept seeing his bloody name on the map, I thought the map’s magic was just wearing off, but-“  
“The map is never wrong.” both men said together, and Sirius slapped a palm to his head. “And it was in Harry’s dormitory! I thought it was, I dunno, his ghost or something, but no, it can’t have been-“ suddenly Sirius let out a long breath.  
“Fuck. Scabbers.” he realised, kicking the chair next to him. Remus had no idea what this meant, but continued anyway.  
“Peter betrayed them.” he said shortly. “I’d just realised and apparwated to their house as soon as I could, but it was too late. And of course, he twisted the whole thing onto me. Near blew himself up, he did.” Remus spat, wishing that Peter hadn’t escaped so easily.   
Sirius sat down onto his bed heavily, staring up at the ceiling. So, everything that he thought he’d known, was wrong.   
“One night, during the full moon, I just… got out.” Remus shrugged, as if it had been an easy feat. “I don’t think the Dementors can sense animals so well, and I just slipped through the bars and over the side. Woke up on a beach and worked my way back here.”   
“Remus, I-“ Sirius’ voice broke, and he leapt to his feet, cradling Remus’ scarred face with his hands. “I’m so-“ Sirius dissolved into tears and practically launched himself onto Remus. Remus, who was innocent. Remus, who was free. Remus, who was here with his arms around him, finally, after so many lonely nights.   
Remus gripped Sirius’ shoulders tightly and held him close. It was the first time he had felt someone in his arms, someone holding onto him, for twelve long years.   
Sirius pulled back briefly, his watery eyes looking into Remus’ sad amber ones.   
“Remus.” he whispered, stroking Sirius’ cheek with his thumb.   
“Sirius.” Remus sighed, moving his face closer to Sirius’.   
Suddenly, there was a large bang outside of Sirius’ room, causing both men to jump apart from each other.  
“Harry.” they gasped in unison, and leapt into action.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey guys, i am so so SO sorry for the super late update! school is crazy as per usual, my motivation to write has been massively on and off, and there’s been a whole load of drama, which includes my boyfriend cheating on me with my best friend. so. not exactly fun. so i’ve been holing up with a cup of tea, some fluffy wolfstar fics and a warm blanket, and reading about a love far greater than the one I lost for the past two months or so? anyway, here it is. again, sorry for the late update! i love you all ♥︎


	3. Chapter 3- Escape From Azkaban

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this was a collaboration between me and the wonderful @shiiuz, she was a dream to work with so go check out her instagram!!  
this was written to be Remus’ perspective of his escape from Azkaban, because although I do jump around in viewpoints in my writing, I tend to focus on Sirius, so here’s a whole mini chapter just on Remus ♥︎

The sea was roaring fiercely that night.

Well, to be fair, the sea was always roaring fiercely, but it seemed to be especially thunderous on that occasion, as if it knew that an undesired intruder was about to dive into its waters and dodge its swell, resurfacing completely safe.

The silver moon was shining brightly, too brightly against the first dusk lights in a sky without stars. Look at her, smiling proudly. Reminding him of everything he has lost. Reminding him of everything that was once, but is no longer. Slipping through the thick iron bars of that minuscule window, tormenting him.   
Just like every night.

His metamorphosis always follows a chaotic order. 

First, the headache. Unbearable. It felt as if someone was trying to slice his brain into two perfect halves.

Then, his bones begin to ache, to hurt, as they break and stretch, displacing themselves to then fall back into a new place. Turning the human skeleton into one of a beast.

And finally, his skin. The skin that is supposed to hide and keep all of the body's secrets and pain is far too weak, far too imperfect. It's far too broken to contain the Beast. So the Beast takes it as its mission to tear down the pale folds that were supposed to protect Remus, desperate to be in control.

He never knows when his hands stop being hands, but before he can realize, the claws are already destroying him. The Beast is already twisting itself, digging its claws in Remus's sides, tearing searing red rips into the skin, the sacred skin, until it falls, bursting into flames that turn into dust before they touch the floor. There is so much blood. And there is so much pain.

And then, nothing.

The prisoner opened his eyes, staring at the moon. Now is the moment. Time to make room for the wolf.

Taking off the little clothes he had, and tying them around his neck, Remus knelt in the middle of the cold cell. He took a long, deep breath. I will not scream, I will not scream, I will not scream.

He deliberately ignored the headache. The young man had spent years, his whole life, resisting. Trying to fight it back. Resisting to give up. He was tired. Tired of it, tired of everything.

So for the first time in his whole life, instead of fighting the pain back, he went along with it. Like a diver who jumps headfirst from a cliff into the dark blue ocean, he let himself be carried away by the pain.

For the first time in twelve years, the transformation was quick. Painless. During the last seconds of that sober clarity, he wondered bitterly if it had ever been that easy for Greyback.

Afterwards, the Beast took control of his body, of his everything. Only one thought occupied its mind.  
It was time to get out of there. 

[...]

The sun was gently kissing his cheeks, and out of curiosity, he woke up. It slipped through his eyelashes, trying to recognize who this stranger was. The swell of water tickled his feet with every single wave.

Remus sat up, taking a deep breath, and started to cough, desperately, noticing how his lungs claimed for attention. In a matter of seconds, he had spat out all the water that had slipped through his lips without permission during the night. Or maybe in the morning.

Right in front of him, a tiny crab was staring at him. Remus stared at it too, absentmindedly, for what the crab thought to be an eternity.

Remus burst out laughing in joy. He clenched his still bloody fists, taking a handful of sand, staring at it as he would do at a treasure, and watched it stick to his dirty hands.  
He laughed harder. A strong headache that almost threw him down again, but Remus somehow managed to keep his balance.

He had done it. 

Freedom, at last. 

He laughed as hard as a mad man would. And maybe it was because he was, in fact, mad. The thought, however, only made him laugh harder.

After the initial euphoria, he was able to order his priorities. 

First of all, he couldn't be seen. If he was captured again, he would for sure never gonna be able to break free for a second time. The sorrow and madness would consume whatever was left of his soul.   
He forbid himself to keep thinking, starting to get going instead, and making a mental list.

He had to find out where he was. He had to find Harry. Harry was the number one priority.  
He had to tell the boy what had happened, tell him the truth. Remus Lupin wasn't a murderer. He never had been. Then, he would find the rat. And he had to kill it. And after that? He would then run without looking back. Far, far away. As far as he could get. Start a new life. With a new name. A new chance. A fresh page. 

[...]

If asked, Remus wouldn't have been able to say how long he had been walking for. Time had lost its meaning and continuity years ago. Remus didn't allow himself to think, not even for a second. He walked and walked and walked until his body couldn't take any more and his legs bent, overwhelmed.   
He then crawled under a tree or rock and slept until he felt determined enough to keep going, and walked again, relentless. And it continued to be like that for days, maybe weeks.   
He ate whatever he could find. Sometimes berries, sometimes fruit. If he was lucky enough, he hunted some field mice. Remus smirked when he heard their terrified shrieks. He played with them, tying them up using their tails and letting them suffer, and then he would then build a fire, and slowly roast them, smashing their worm-like tails with stones or his feet. They didn't have a chance of escape. It isn’t cruel, he told himself, it’s practice. 

He was also able to catch some fish up in some stream on one occasion. After finally satisfying his appetite for the first time in years, he set himself to the task of getting all the dirt off himself that had essentially become a part of his skin after the never-ending years at Azkaban. He also tried, unsuccessfully, to untangle the knots of his dirty, curly hair, only using his fingers as a comb. 

And he then continued walking.

Laughter was always in his mouth. Broken laughter, worn-out laughter. Sometimes, he went into fits of laughter out of nowhere. When these came, he could be laughing for hours, non-stop. But it was only an echo of what it used to be. 

At other times, he mocked the moon. The moon that was getting thinner and thinner night after night. He made fun of her, and the moon could do nothing but put up with his laughter, because she had spent years staring down at him with an arrogant smile as Remus stopped being Remus against his will.

And then, he arrived at civilization. 

At first, all he did was to sniff around, making sure he didn’t surprise anyone. He found a coat in a big trash can filled with clothes, probably for homeless children. He got his coat and some shoes for himself, and even though both of them were worn down and very old, and dampness impregnated the coat, they were enough. The coat even had multiple and useful pockets, and the shoes were also good enough. Even though some holes perforated their soles, they were soft. 

He was tempted to ask for help. He didn't know where he was, and he needed a shower and real food, desperately. But he was scared.   
When he was out in the forest no one followed him. There wasn't any chance, not even a slight one, of anyone recognizing him. In the civilization, however, a thousand eyes would follow him wherever he went, and everyone in the magic world would probably know by then that one of the "most dangerous" criminals in the world had somehow managed to escape Azkaban.   
Remus was terrified and at constant alert, even though no one there seemed to recognize him. They just stared at him with either pity or disgust in their eyes, and crossed the street as fast as they could. 

It took him a while to deduce where he was. It had been obvious from the beginning that that wasn't a British village. They didn't speak any English.

It ended up being that he had gotten to Noorderhaaks. A small island north of Amsterdam. He almost broke out into frustrated, tired tears when he found out. He wasn't even in the same country. Not even close.

Instead of crying, Remus swallowed every thought, good and bad alike, and took a road down the island.   
He didn't dare to stop, even though it was starting to be a little bit chilly. 

It took him a couple of days to get to the closest harbour, and when he arrived he had to rob some tourists of the little money they carried to be able to bribe some Norwegian sailors that were parting to North England, who didn't mind making a place for him if he could pay for it. 

And it was there, in the nasty hold of a fishing ship, surrounded by stinking frozen tuna, wrapped up warm in an old stolen coat and old worn down shoes, after weeks of wandering around and keeping his mind busy, that Remus broke down.

And he cried, for the first time in years.

Tears poured out of his eyes, drawing streams of dirt in his tired face. And all his memories collapsed, tearing down his broken heart as knives would, throwing down his mental barriers and walls as if they were built up with soaked paper, instead of years and years of control.

In Azkaban, he had learnt to forget a certain type of memories. He had learnt how to filter them out. Memories that would've been unimaginably painful for him if the dementors had gotten whim of them.

But now, even though Remus knows he shouldn't... 

The idea had already settled in his head, and a warm feeling filled him from head to toes. Hope. 

And Remus didn't know if it was masochism or plain stupidity. But he couldn't help thinking about him.   
Another sob shook through the escaped convict. Even his name scared him. Don't think about him. Him, and his jokes. No. Him, and his smile. No. Him, and his hands. Stop it! Stop yourself before it becomes your downfall! Him, and his caresses, that ran through his body and disarmed his mind. Please... Him, and his kisses, that saved him every single time he needed it. His lips, and his smell. God. 

Sirius...

He couldn’t help thinking about him. He couldn’t help wondering what had become of him. f Has he changed? Have the years treated him well? Has he missed him? What if he hasn't forgotten him either? What if he is happy to see him again? What if....? He couldn’t help asking himself. 

No. No! Remus had to get over himself. He was fantasizing. None of that was going to happen. Twelve years had passed, for Morgana's sake. Twelve years. Sirius had probably started over. He might not even be in the country. He’d always talked about how he would love to live in Italy. He might‘ve met someone there. He might’ve even had a family. Sirius had probably forgotten everything and everyone. After all, James and Remus were always all that had kept him from getting on his motorbike and flying away without looking back.

Sirius had made clear how much he hated him in that fateful night. 

Remus remembers. He remembers it as if it was yesterday. He remembers desperately running to the Potter's House. He remembers the foreboding feeling in his gut, telling him that something bad was going to happen. A bad omen. It was just moments before he had visited Peter's. His friend wasn't at home, and nobody had known where he had been for three days by then. But there weren't any signs of fighting in the house, and nobody seemed to have broken in. He was just... gone. He had simply disappeared. And Remus felt the urgent need to see how James and Lily were.

He immediately disapparated, appearing at the end of the James' street. Remus ran not like his life depended on it, but like someone else’s did. Because it did.

And then he saw it. He didn't see Him. But he saw a big shadow, dark as the wolf's mouth, silently entering the house. Remus was frozen- he couldn't move. His heart stopped when the green spell lit up the night. He heard his own voice from far away, calling his best friend's name.

And, suddenly, the scream. Piercing and desperate. The green light. Remus crosses the garden in a flash. He was about to reach the doorknob.

He felt the explosion and saw himself being thrown back, as if in a movie. He hit his head hard against the floor. 

It was as quiet as a tomb for what felt like a whole lifetime. He remembered thinking: Am I dead?

Sirius' desperate screams woke him up. He didn't know how long he had been there, lying in the street. Had it been for long? It didn’t feel that way.

The house was burning down. The black of the night blended with the red of the flames, and the poisonous green of the dark mark hovering above the house. The colours of death. 

Remus suddenly found himself going into the house. And he saw them. He didn't want to, but he saw them. 

Sirius, broken down. Destroyed. Completely devastated. Sobbing as nobody ever had, hugging the body of his dead brother. Ashes flew to his shoulders and hair. 

James looked as though he was making a face. As if in the last seconds before the end, he longed for his lost youth.

That image was fixed in his memory, and it haunted him for every night of the following twelve years.

Remus felt the irrevocable need to vomit, and so he leaned into the wall, coughing.

He cleaned his mouth with the sleeve of his pullover once he finished throwing up, and tried to go up to Sirius, grabbing his shoulders and trying to drag him away, trying to stop him from breaking even more. But Sirius exploded.

"Monster! That's what you are! You’re a monster!" He was shouting these words as he got up to face Remus. His whole body was shaking. Remus looked at him, desperate. "We trusted you! I trusted you! And now he's dead! Now she’s dead! They’re all dead! " A sob shook the real Remus, the one living in the present, who hugged his legs in the hold of a fishing ship, surrounded by stinking fish. "Get out of this house! I don't want to see you again. Not ever! You- you're a monster! A-a heartless beast!"

The Remus of the memory cried as he tried to approach Sirius, trying to make him understand that he hadn't killed anyone. But Sirius whipped out his wand and pointed it at Remus’ heart. He wasn't shaking anymore when the next words came out of his mouth: "Get out of here now, or I will kill you myself."

"Sirius..."

"I don't know you anymore. You mean nothing to me. Leave now, you monster."

Remus turned around, still in shock. He staggered out of the house, and Sirius was left crying and clutching James’ corpse to his chest. 

Remus’ heart never left that house with the rest of his body. He felt himself be surrounded by the flames, by the fire that ate what, long ago, had been a home. Where, less than two hours ago, a family loved and laughed. Lived.

Remus started running as soon as he crossed the garden, crying. Alone. He was alone. Completely alone. 

And in that storm of desperation, he lost the little sanity he had left. He cannot remember anything else about the rest of that night. The next thing his mind can reach is chasing the rat, who tried to get lost in the madness. He cornered him. Remus wanted an explanation. He wanted to know why.

But the explanation never came. What did come, was another explosion. More screams. So many deaths. And when the smoke cleared, the rat had disappeared. All that was left from that traitor was a finger. 

A finger. 

A finger and nothing else. He had lost everything. 

The pain was so deep, so huge... he laughed.

A finger.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> follow my instagram @fleursowl, tumblr @fleursowl and leave kudos if you liked it! love you all ♥︎


	4. Some Girls Are Bigger Than Others

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry it took me so long to update!! major writer's block that was combated by the wonderful @aavxx whipping me into shape with her constant encouragement <333 much love always  
also sorry it's so short!! i just had to write this chapter and this was where I felt it came to a natural ending

_ “Get back,  _ you idiot! Are you out of your mind? You’re a convicted criminal!” Sirius whisper-shouted, pushing Remus back into his room. 

“But Harry-“ Remus protested.

“I’m sure he’s  _ fine,  _ Re, I’ll go sort it out,” Sirius assured him, grabbing his wand and shutting the door behind him before Remus could argue anymore- not that he would’ve been able to anyway. The soft use of his former pet name from Sirius’ lips had rendered him speechless. 

“Right, what's going on here?” Sirius said a little too loudly, striding out of his quarters and closing the door quickly behind him. 

He peered over a crowd of people bunched in the corridor, quickly spotting Ron’s blazing hair somewhere near the front.

“Ron! What’s going on?” he asked, attempting to push his way to the front, somewhat unsuccessfully.

“Move out of the way- oh for Merlin’s sake, I’m a teacher, get out of my way!” he snapped, growing impatient. The crowd parted, and he moved next to Ron to look down at a scene he never would’ve thought he would see in his life. On the floor, gripped in a fierce battle, was Hermione and- was that Pansy Parkinson? She was in the same class as Harry, and reminded Sirius eerily of his younger brother. His heart clenched at the thought-  _ not the time, Sirius _ \- and he pulled out his wand.

“Petrificus Totalus!” he said loudly, and the two girls froze and fell apart, motionless on the floor. 

“Ron, help Hermione up,” Sirius commanded, hauling up Pansy and reversing the spell. 

“Granger, Parkinson, my classroom  _ now. _ ”

The two girls followed him meekly as he strode away from the corridor outside his quarters and further along to his classroom, and, he realised, further away from  _ Remus _ . 

He sat behind his desk, irritated at more time lost with Remus, but forcing himself to calm down and focus on the matter at hand.

“Girls,” he said gravely, “there is an escaped criminal at loose.  _ What  _ could possibly be the reason for this stupid fight, other than to distract more teachers’ attention from the urgent matter?”

To Hermione’s credit, she had the grace to look ashamed, but still quietly furious- however Pansy, lounging back on her chair with her arms crossed, didn’t look apologetic in the least. 

“Why should I care about Potter?” she drawled, and Sirius clenched his fists under the table. “All I care about is what  _ she  _ said to me.”

“I didn’t mean to call you a slag,” Hermione muttered, her face reddening. Sirius sat there, unsure as to how this would play out. 

Pansy snorted, and tossed her head.

“Right, then I didn’t mean to call you uptight,” she replied, her voice dripping with sarcasm. 

“I am  _ not  _ uptight!” Hermione positively squealed, going pink when Pansy raised her eyebrow at her.

“Parkinson, 10 points from Slytherin. You may leave now.” Sirius said tiredly, gesturing towards the door with his head. Hermione fidgeted in her seat, clearly eager to leave.

“Sirius- sir, could I just-“

“What’s this really about, Hermione?” Sirius asked gently, leaning forwards in his seat and resting his hands on the desk.

Hermione let out a deep, stressed sigh, her hands balling into little fists.

“Me and Pansy- well, we’ve had a, uh, thing,” she muttered, unable to meet Sirius’ eyes. Ah.  _ Ah.  _ Sirius had been friends with people who reminded him of Hermione and Pansy, and his eyes glazed over a little as he thought of them. Marlene, one of his best friends, and Dorcas, the feisty Ravenclaw who had come to be an integral part of their friendship group. 

“I thought you would understand?” Hermione whispered, her eyes showing hurt from Sirius’ silence, and Sirius hastily put his hand over hers, shaking his friend.

“No, I’m sorry Hermione, I just got lost in thought is all. I must say it’s quite a surprise- I thought you had a thing going on with Ron?” Sirius asked, raising an eyebrow in amusement at Hermione’s flush. He was quite interested in the love lives of Harry’s friends and the students he taught- they were quite entertaining, and reminded him of simpler times.

“No, Ron’s seeing someone- he won't tell me who he is, though, and of course Harry has no idea that Ron fancies boys, Harry doesn't even know that  _ he  _ fancies boys himself, the poor oblivious thing…” Hermione rambled, trailing off at the shocked look on Sirius’ face. 

“Harry  _ what _ ?” Sirius deadpanned, reeling from shock.

“I mean, have you not seen the way he looks at Malfoy? Jesus, the tension in the air when those two walk past each other, you could just…” Hermione made snipping motions with his hands, and Sirius was suddenly hit with a memory. 

_ “Pads, I’m telling you, he likes you back!” James groaned, smacking Sirius over the head with the book he was meant to be studying from but had abandoned to help Sirius with his blatant pining. _

_ “You don't  _ know  _ that, though!” Sirius whined, throwing his hands up in the air. It was late at night, and the two were sitting on James’ bed, ploughing through an assortment of chocolate frogs and firewhiskey in attempts to study that had been quickly thrown aside.  _

_ James rolled his eyes, going to hit Sirius again, but Sirius caught his arm and twisted it behind his back, grinning in victory.  _

_ “Oi, stop that! Your bloody reflexes.” James grumbled, easing his arm from Sirius’ grip and tossing the book to the floor.  _

_ “Look, all I’m saying is that I see the way you look at him, and he looks at you the same way. So really you should just stop fuelling the sexual tension and tell him you really want him to be your boyfriend and have hot, annoyingly loud sex, and stop being a drag on my life.” James snorted, patting Sirius’ knee. _

_ “There is no sexual tension!” Sirius shrieked, reddening, to which James just gave a derisive snort.  _

_ “Sure there is mate, you could cut through it with one of those… what're they called? Snissors?” James frowned, making cutting motions with his hand.  _

_ “Do you mean scissors?” A voice said from behind the curtains, and the two boys jumped so hard they nearly fell off the bed.  _

_ Remus pulled back the curtain, standing there with flushed cheeks and eyes glistening with amusement.  _

_ “Next time if you’re going to have a conversation about me, maybe use silencing charms, eh?” he smirked. _

Sirius gulped, his throat closing up at the memory. Tears swam through his eyes as he recalled all that he had lost, and he stood up abruptly, pushing his chair back loudly.

“Hermione, do you mind if we postpone this discussion?” he said, running a hand across his forehead. “I’m not feeling too well all of a sudden. No further punishment necessary.” 

Sirius ushered Hermione quickly out of his classroom, leaning against the door with heavy breaths and shaking hands. 

_ James is gone.  _ The realisation hit him again, like it did every day, and the twelve years did nothing to soften the blow or dull the pain. It was still there, as fresh and sharp it had been on the Halloween night when he had entered the house and found James lifeless on the carpet, Remus gone. 

_ Remus is here now.  _ A small voice reminded him, and he straightened, slipping quickly out of the classroom and along the corridor. 

He and Remus had some catching up to do. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> as per usualy, comments and kudos are greatly appreciated! constructive criticism/feedback I adore, just pls say it nicely I'm sensitive :0 <33

**Author's Note:**

> Please leave kudos and comments if you liked it, and even comment if you didn't like something about it! Constructive feedback is a love <3


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